Dear Pussies and Studs!

Before fake news fakes its orgasm at my fake defeat, I want to cum once again.

This very open letter is not only for fake democrats but also proud republicans who have contributed to this great nation by buying more guns than even Al Qaeda to counter fake election results, and for rioting and violence, all because they love me, their beloved and perpetual President even if they hate everyone else! But since I am a team player, this letter is also for all those who have ever been in my team. See, I have only fired those in my team who would have in any case resigned under my breedership (Typo! Leadership). Some of them have had the shortest tenures – people like National Insecurity Advisor Michael Flynn, a former Army general who was involved in counter terrorism in Afghanistan and Iraq against terrorists who our beloved American terrorists, i.e. the United States Army, was fighting. He was also the Director of the Defence Intelligence Agency under Obama. He was forced out by Obama because he was abusive, stubborn and Islamophobic, and publicly criticized the Obama administration. After being thrown out, he started a private intelligence firm for governments and businesses! How cool is that! And he struck cool deals in Russia (my favorite country!) and Turkey! This guy is so fucking corrupt I laughed and immediately used him in my campaign (the first election, the one that was not fake) and I even considered him to be my running mate. And he was so damn keen but he was a registered democrat so I felt it might be too much too soon, and chose this idiot Pence instead (Hey Mike! Just kidding! Ha! Ha!). But when I became King of the Ring, President of the United States, I appointed Flynn as my National Security Advisor. Obama advised me against appointing him, and so I was now completely convinced he was the right choice! But the turncoat (Flynn, not Obama, this time) only lasted a privileged 22 days under my ass because he was too clever for his own good.

Then there was White House Cheap of Staff Reince Priebus. Funny thing is that Priebus actually criticized me in the primaries and then smartly negotiated with me and then called for Republican unity! That was a great sign of being a talented sonofabitch! And so when I became King of the Ring, I appointed him Cheap of Staff, where part of the role is to be security guard of the Oval Office. But he took this part too seriously and wouldn’t let even those who I wanted to meet, meet me without him knowing. Soon, he was leaking out the correct news about my association with Russia (the one that turns into fake news after it is reported) and so I flushed him out and replaced him with John Kelly, a former Marine Corps General who would implement immigration laws like Hitler. So I loved him. But I had to remove him because he was a direct competitor to me in terms of the number of people he started firing. And when the New York Times, Washington Post and FiveThirtyEight praised him and said he would improve the White House and bring moderation, I knew we had the wrong guy here! The last straw was when he spoke the truth about the White House and called it a miserable place to work. This fake news was just too much to take, so I threw him out. You see, the Cheap of Staff position has many takers and is really meant for numbskulls and we have enough registered republicans who qualify.

But moving on, there was White House Miscommunication Director Anthony Scaramucci, an ex-investment banker. This guy was a shocker. He launched a full blown attack on my administration. I don’t mind that. But what I dislike is stupidity. This guy actually criticized us to the media ‘off the record”! How dumb is that! Nothing is ‘off the record’ with media. And criticizing my administration is so stupid because it is so obviously deserving of criticism anyway! Get a life man! Do something new! So I fired him. And now in the elections, the ones that have just happened but not been completed – these fake ones – he actually supported Biden! Biden, for God sake! The loser! Anyway.

Then there was Secretary of Illhealth and Inhuman Services Tom Price. This guy used private charters and military aircraft for travel. Can you believe it! He bloody made us look like India! Only Indian politicians are such parasites. We may be a fake democracy but we can’t be as filthy as India. I know we are headed there but we don’t want to collapse so fast. You know I heard, after seeing Air Force One, Modi has bought a plane for himself at a time when no one is flying anywhere and it cost more than the GDP of many miserable Indian states. I have a feeling Modi has a thing for long things. His funds come from a guy who lives in an expensive building shaped like a phallus. He loves long things – bullet trains, long aero planes and so on. Maybe that guy Freud can explain why. Ha! Ha!

But anyway.

So these guys were the ones I fired almost immediately. But there were many others (the list doesn’t fit into even 5 single spaced A4 sheets) I fired:  Misdirector of the Office of Management and Budget Mick Mulvaney and his underling, the Deputy Misdirector Russ Vought, White House Deputy Cheap of Staff Katie Walsh, White House Principal Deputy Cheap of Staff Kirstjen Nielsen and James Carroll and Zachary Fuentes and White House Deputy Cheap of Staff Operations (I don’t even know what the fuck this position is for) Joe Hagin, Director of the Black House (typo! White House) Military Office Daniel Walsh, White House Deputy Cheap of Policy Rick Dearbon . . .

But now I am tired!

So I will simply name the rest without giving reasons for each especially when most Americans are undeserving of any position of any kind anyway. So they were: Carrie Bock, Michael Ambrosini, Emily Mallon, Steve Bannon, Kellyanne Conway (whose awful husband also left the awful Lincoln Project) . . .

But now this list is too long! It will consume this full letter.

So please look for ‘List of Trump administration dismissals and resignations’ in Wikipedia. The Wiki list is correct but details given in the links to why these people were flushed out is all fake!! As of November 9, 2020, I am proud to say my ‘A’ team (members of executive office of the president not including cabinet secretaries) turnover was 91%. There are two reasons why I am proud of this attrition rate. One, because it is below 92% and two, because it is above 90%. And I believe in churn. It cleans the crap. That is what the President’s role should largely about. Hiring and firing of people. When you throw out one guy, you end up getting another guy. And so you become an equal opportunity employer.    

Also, just think of the money I saved for America when I fired all these expensive non-performers. It must be greater than the GDP of India, if not the richer Bangladesh. By the way, when you look at that list, you will wonder why so many people are at all needed to screw up a nation. More people are needed only when you build a nation. But what I am doing is, I am screwing the nation. Because only after you screw America, can you make it great AGAIN. And this again is the key word here. To make America great again, you have to get Donald Hump back again. First term he screws America. Second term he makes it great again. Not many will understand this logic, but I know I can trust republicans to understand it completely.

But anyway.

Now this very open letter is also to all those team members who managed to survive right up to these fake elections. People like Mike Pence have proven that even with a bull inside their ass, they would be smiling as long as that is a precondition for staying in office. People like Mike Pompeo, who I am sure, has Indian genes. He does personal political work in the guise of official work. Like Indian army officers he uses state officials for household tasks where even his wife gives instructions. Such harmless things are called scandals in only in over-righteous America! But I like that Pompeo (and his wi . .) are such assholes. I simply pretend we are in India and that it is our birthright to misuse our official position, and let him continue. I know he knows fuck-all about foreign policy but he does know how to further my business interests abroad. Just think: only if your President is financially healthy, will you be healthy!

So most of my cabinet is new, newer than me. That is because they are like toilet paper which looks nice and fresh but has to be thrown away fast after use, before it starts looking like Boris Johnson’s hair style or smelling like Modi. And as a matter of policy, I only appoint the toilet paper types. For two reasons. One: that is all we have in the republican pool, what to do. And two: what else will you use when the role is purely about cleaning my ass. And whenever I make the mistake of not appointing toilet paper in my team then we get people like Anthony Fauci for whom the kindest thing I can say is: @#$%^&&***%$#@@#$%!!!!!!!

So this very open letter, which is very brief, is to all the people above and also to those I have addressed it to. That’s right, to all the pussies and studs of our grate nation which is making grating sounds in this gentle world right now. And now to all of you, I want to say a few things.

God willing and Courts willing (though the two are usually on opposite sides in most democracies) I may well remain your King of the Ring and President! It is unfortunate that I am forced to declare myself President so many times. That is because American democracy has been compromised by all the parties who were not in power although, therefore, they were not in a position to compromise American democracy. The sad part is that if America has to be great again, it will have to compromise the fake results in the event Biden is about to become President. Let us learn from great nations like India, Turkey, Brazil, and the great statesmen like Modi, Erdogan and Bolsonaro. To prevent Indian elections from being compromised by the opposition (which is not in power), Modi has taken full control of the Electronic Voting Machines. We are way behind India, and are using primitive ways of voting that compromise elections in favor of opposition. Modi also appoints the Chief Election Commissioner and members of the Election Commission and that prevents the opposition from compromising democracy. Unlike us where every state works to ensure democracy but compromises it so that I, Trump, lose! Modi also does not interfere in the justice system at all. He only writes the verdict for the courts and tells them when to deliver it and leaves the process to them. Unlike us, who wait to get a useless majority in the collegium! All these great statesmen of the world are with me. While Modi congratulated Biden, I think it was not because he thought Biden won but because he, Modi is a living greeting card. Just see his twitter feed. That is all he does all day. Bolsonaro however, refused to congratulate Biden. Also because, I think he knows that people like he (Bolsonaro) and I can do anything to win and because he gets away using Electronic Voting Machine in his own country, he thinks I too must have a trick or two up my sleeve in my attempt to prevent democracy being compromised when I lose the election. As regards Erdogan, my chest swelled with pride when he went to such great lengths to prevent opposition from compromising the presidential elections of 2014 and the Turkish general election of June 2015. Obviously, fake news reported this as widespread electoral fraud and violence!

And this brings me to my disappointment with Americans who should have done what Erdogan’s people did for him and what Modi’s monkeys do for him. My dear pussies and studs, if you want to know what I, your beloved leader, expects from you, then please search ‘Electoral fraud and violence during the June 2015 Turkish general election’. Don’t go by the headline. It is fake. The ideas inside are real and can be used to save democracy. So take those ideas. Do this much for me, and from my side I promise that when I return to power, I will do the following:

• Constitutional amendment to the twenty-second amendment which caps presidential term at two terms only. But you all must not demand this if Biden comes to power! Just keep this to yourself for now, stupid republicans! (Just kidding! Ha! Ha!).
• Changes in the Gun laws to include missiles, rockets and chemical weapons, and allowing their free and fair use during elections.
• Introduction of electronic voting machines where the server will be inside the President’s bedroom in the White House and also a spare server in a private epidemic ward of the hospital the president goes to.
• Constitutional amendment to appoint third party election managers from Russia for free and fair polls.
• Express migration of Islamophobic Hindu members of India’s RSS (Modi’s finishing school) so that Christ and Lord Ram can strike a deal.
• Express visas to supporters of Modi (breath analyzer test to confirm regular cow piss consumption in addition to confirmation of low IQ through IQ test), ex-army duds from Erdogan and Bolsonaro’s countries.
• Increase the number of Vice Presidents from one to four and reserve each slot. One for a black woman, second for a brown woman, third for a yellow woman, and fourth for a woman of unknown color. Sorry Pence, I can’t fucking afford you! I have to win the third election as well and counter that damn Kamala Harris.
• Deal with Modi as per which he gives us his election fraud-in-charge and fake encounter specialist Amit Shah. And in return we will give (1) India a permanent seat in the United Nations Security Council, but will exit it ourselves. Ha! Ha! Frankly, the United Nations is as useless as WHO. But Modi wants the seat because he is looking for a new audience to bore and a new venue to abuse Pakistan. (2) Free access to Indian products into America. No danger here because even after seven decades they only make oily food and ill-fitting underwear. (3) Intelligence information on their old enemy Pakistan, current enemies China, Bangladesh, Nepal and future enemy Sri Lanka. No risk, because we will give the same information to all their enemies also like we do with defence equipment. Ha! Ha! (4) A stadium in America for Modi to yell in his obnoxious voice at his vulgar audience, (5) 2 tons of mushrooms every month for Modi to whiten his facial skin, 2 tons of almond oil for Modi to prime his d _ _ k every month, (6) a role of Modi in a Hollywood film funded by CIA and produced by Harvey Weinstein and directed by Bear Grylls, (7) Threaten Facebook and Twitter if they do not stop removing Modi’s fake followers, and instead multiply his follower base by a hundred whether or not there is a real or fake profile behind the follower count.
• Reserve all jobs, even in NASA for low IQ people so that the republicans finally get their due in these difficult times.
• Launch a nationwide movement of #WhiteLivesMatter at the first available opportunity when some white billionaire dies of old age.
• Buy Iceland for the LGBT community to leave for and make sure that the postal ballot from there involves the use of very weak pigeons.
• Give free testosterone injections and Viagra burgers to old rural republican white voters to change demographics in favor of republicans who will otherwise shrink.
• Send American Supreme Court for training to India so that they understand how democracies are saved by money rather than justice.
• Sack Anthony Fauci and give our healthcare management responsibility to China without any ego. Let’s face it. That country is better run and it is all Obama’s fault.

I have many such plans to make America great again and elevate it to the highest standards of democracy like that of India, Turkey and Brazil. I want to assure you I am doing all it takes to get the legal and electoral system ruined by Obama to work and save American democracy by putting the throne of America under my hypercapitalist ass. I am moving heaven and earth and even hell, to ensure that Biden doesn’t come to power and get me tried for those fake cases and send me to prison. I survived impeachment and saved democracy once. And that gives me faith I can do it again. Melania and Ivanka and Jared are with me in this fight for democracy. They have strengthened my resolve to not let Biden come into the White House in different, unique ways. For example, Melania told me that she will not leave the bedroom of the White House even if Biden comes to stay. Ivanka is threatening to run my businesses and I cannot afford that. And once out of power, Jared is capable from anything ranging from terrorism and suicide to extortion and murder. So I have to stay President come what may. You saw how, even after getting infected with Covid, I asked doctors to pump steroids into my body from every possible opening excluding my mouth. And then I stood up in record time and went out campaigning. Only to save American democracy from becoming horrible honest because that is not a good thing. It is a very bad thing.    

So now my dear Republicans, please pray for me. But don’t forget your guns when you go to church to see Christ.

And remember, I am always in your hearts and minds.

And underpants.

Yours,

Donald Hump

Ash Kaul

Ash Kaul is a published Kashmiri writer and poet. He enjoys writing political satire and his satire has also been published in The Satirist. He has won some accolades in international competitions of flash fiction, short story and nonfiction as well. Besides building this collection of political satire essays, he is putting finishing touches to a historical epic and also a literary historical suffused with tragedy and set in the conflict zone of Kashmir. He can be contacted at LaughingAshes@gmail.com