A Christmas Letter

Dear All,

Well, it’s been quite a year! Really, I hardly know where to start in telling you all the amazing things that have kept me, Bobby, Samantha, Harvey, Bob-Bob and the twins so gosh-darn busy during the previous twelve-month.

First things first: we have decided on a color scheme for the rumpus room. At last! We are going with something called “Magnolia”. It is all very exciting. Rest assured we WILL keep you posted on that one.

[private]Other news. As well as dropping the lawsuit (finally!) Doctor Morris says Bobby’s scars will hardly be visible once the hair grows back. I must say this is a huge weight off of our minds.

Speaking of huge weights, Samantha’s diet has been somewhat eventful. My statistics show that her net gain this year was 13 pounds. Hang in there, honey: you’ll get into that wedding dress one day!

Kirk – Samantha’s latest fiancée – is incredibly patient and says he will always love her no matter how big she gets (within reason).

Harvey started at college in the fall. If he blows it again, I swear I will give up and send him back to his real parents (joke!). He is majoring in potato farming, which we all agree is very useful as people will always need fries and chips, no matter how bad things get.

Bob-Bob, meanwhile, is doing well at The School, all things considered.

Last but definitely not least, the twins: no doubt some of you will have seen them on the local news running for cover during the shoot-out. We were so proud. But even when they weren’t fleeing for their lives and screaming in terror, they managed to keep themselves mighty busy, let me tell you.

For starters, they appeared in the school’s production of “Invasion of the Body Snatchers” – one of the most talked-about shows ever staged at Green Valley High. As if that were not enough excitement for two young people who look eerily similar, they have also been involved in Riverdale’s very own local newsletter – “The Riverdale Local Newsletter”. They’ve contributed recipes, astrology columns, plastic surgery tips and legal advice throughout the year.

I must say it’s a far cry from the days when they were dribbling into their bibs and having their diapers changed every thirty minutes!

On a darker note, it is with much sadness that I report the news that Bobby’s Mom, Hildegard, finally left us in April of this year. Hildy was a real character, and had lived with us for twelve challenging years. To those of you who knew her it will probably come as something of a shock to hear that she passed away peacefully, in her sleep.

Other news: We have a new dog! Yes, after the death of Bozo, three long years ago, we all of us never thought we could bear to let another animal into the house. But things change, we move on, we grow (well, some of us do). So, please say a big hello to Dolt, an enthusiastic German Shepherd with a real taste for the good things in life. He is especially fond of Bob-Bob, and chases him round the yard for hours at a time.

I also enclose some snaps from our summer holiday. This year, for a change, we did not go to Cleaver Beach where we have spent many happy holidays in the past: instead, someone (who shall remain nameless) decided it would be much more fun for us to spend two unforgettable weeks at Barker’s Creek. Well, mosquitoes, flash floods, five hungry children, an outbreak of swine fever and a buffalo stampede may be Bobby’s idea of fun but it is not mine.

Nevertheless, I thank the Good Lord every day for our happy home, our happy children, our happy relatives, and my husband.

On that note, I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year free from trauma and lacerations.

God Bless,
Jenny[/private]

Peter Higgins lives and works in London. He writes fiction and non-fiction and is currently at work on a situation comedy.