This will be

the last time. I’ll do it this one time and then I won’t do it again. I’ll give myself this last one and then I’ll stop forever, never again. It’s wrong and I know it and I want to do right, fly straight. First I’ll do it this one last time, so I can experience it again but I’ll look at it from a new perspective, be able to see how wrong it is. It amounts, when you think about it, to downright debauchery. I mean really. Imagine how it looks. Wrong, wrong, wrong. So I’ll do it this one last time just to show myself again how bad it is, how decrepit, me a common criminal.  But after this one time I won’t do it anymore, not again, never. Nada. Nada once. Not at Christmas, not on my birthday, not on Valentine’s Day (that’s a tough one).  Those days are over, past, behind me, kaput.

Okay, so I’ll do it just now but then I won’t do it anymore. I’ll see it’s really really stupid. I just need to take control, stop it once and for all. See it break like a twig, snap it over my knee. Dismiss it with a finger snap.  It is so patently wrong. Snap it shut like a seat belt, rein in. Secure. Succor. I’m done after this. It’s outta my life; I’ve come back to planet earth. What have I been thinking all these years?

So I’ll do it now ‘cause it’s here but then I’m not doing it ever again. It’ll have more significance as my last time because I’ll see how low it takes me. How sneaky. I’ll do it this one last time, just to see, show myself how good it will be to have it out of my life. I’ll show myself I won’t be missing anything when I give it up. I’ll show myself I’m missing plenty when I do it. And that’s not even considering the monetary standpoint, just think how much I’ll save by not doing it. I could use that money to go on vacation. Save it up and take a trip. I’ll do it this one last time, since it’s here and already paid for and then I won’t do it again but I’ll save up my money and treat myself.  And I’ll be more here too, without doing the stuff, I’ll be more in tune with what’s going on in my life, I’ll be more mindful and when I want to do it, I’ll try meditating instead. So, I’ll do it this one last time, being mindful how it feels and how it will be after I quit, and then I’ll never do it again. And when I’m missing it, I’ll just summon up that moment of mindfulness.

So that’s it. Bye-bye. Never again. All gone. Good riddance. See ya. I’m starting fresh and not looking back. I know the right path now, the clean and narrow, the straight and narrow. There’s room for one–me. I’m taking a hike from all my bad ways, I’m leaving that suitcase of shit right in the middle of the road. Who cares — it’s out of my life. I could care less about it.

Except, I’ll do it this last time. It’s here and everything. I’m starting my journey, one step at a time, but first I’ll just do the rest.

About Ellen Wade Beals

Trained as a journalist, Ellen Wade Beals writes poetry and prose. Her work has appeared in literary magazines, in anthologies and on the web. Her poem “Between the sheets” appears in the textbook Everything’s a Text (Pearson 2010). Recently she has begun to experiment with photography and her photos have been used on the covers of Vine Leaves Literary Review and The Olentangy Review. She is editor and publisher of the award-winning anthology Solace in So Many Words (Weighed Words LLC). Her website is: www.solaceinabook.com and she is always looking to feature the work of other artists. She wishes peace, love, and solace to all.

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