Dear Suckers,

Don mind the title I have given all you fuckers. It is a promotion as you can cee from the spelling. Talking of spelling, I am going to rite this letter in Chinees English. Note how I spelt “Chinees”. It is thuh correct spelling. How can you hav a language where thuh pronunciation does not matches thuh spelling. I will not allow it. Cee, when we say Zhao Enlai in Chinees, it is spelt as Zhao Enlai only. In Chinees. Now just as we Chinees are correcting everything else you suckers hav ruined in yor oan cuntrees so badly, we will correct yor language also. It is our Soshil Responsibility. So say thank you! Gud boys! Okay, now I have a simpill plan to maik this miner change in yor language happen very fast. I will ask Chinees investors to soon bye out all English dictionaries and chainj them. But this letter is not about yor stupid language. It is about clarifying fue points becaus otherwize you suckers are spredding misinformation about China simplee becaus I don speeks English, and China do not own Time Magazine, BBC, The Wall Street Journal, New York Times, and I forget the names of Indian media but then so duz everybody else in the wurld because they are as significant to the wurld as Hinduism. But as for western media bias, that will also change when Chinees investors bye them out. Meanwhyle, of cors we hav Global Times butt awnestly, that is still onlee as Global as that panicky minority religion – Hinduism. So untill this skued media bizniss is solvd, I hav kindly consented to my Central Committee to rite this open letter to you suckers, butt in correct English – Chinees English. I am sorry for maiking you wait for this red letter but I was very busy with a fue things. One, I was bizee in development work including maiking islands in South China Sea, roads in Ladakh and Arunachal Pradesh and on the Himachal Pradesh border. Now not many of yoo will no the naims of thees places but that is becaus they are in India and not just becaus you trader type of capitalists are generally illiterate. And two, I was bizee exporting protective geer of Covid 19 after exporting Covid 19 itself to you suckers. And you suckers has all been taikin the geer shaimlesslee and after that you has been biching about banning China to pleese yor that stupid part of yor peepal whose voats have maid you fuckers the main suckers of yor respectiv cuntrees. And now when we maik the vaccine, like all our othur products, it will be the cheepist and best and yor peepal will buy it. Because yoo cee you capitalists are not evin gud in Marketing. Now taik the exampil of OnePlus Chinees smartphone. And I am not evin talking about Oppo. So OnePlus phone understands yor citizens better than yor oan phone companies includings both Apple and Google Nexus (how stupid to call a phone by such a negative name “nexus” Are you illterate? Or is nexus a virchew in Capitalism?). It is called Conzumer Insight. And so it is not just about charging fare price, though you capitalist idiots will kill yorself but cannot stop cheeting custumers with stupid prices. So, OnePlus has so many secret features and anyone who duz illegal or secret things like many young peepal and old politicians in yor cuntrees, will luv OnePlus. Yoo three suckers should also try this phone. All three of yoo can store yor gurlfriend’s pictures without anyone getting to know. And for yoo Modi especially – this phone has wide angil lens so it can shoot your very wide gurlfrends also. I will gift yoo one phone in exchange for PLA taiking control of yor Himachal Pradesh state. This is over and abov our othur deal. Wink Wink! (Pssst! How is PayTm, yor demonetiztion launch vehical doing?) And yoo three must know that I knows thru MSS (Ministry of State Security), the Chinees Intelligence agency who all yor women are. Wants me to reveel? Butt that is not the point.

The point is that one thing you will have to accept. China has never had idiots as head of state lyke your cuntrees – America, England and India. So there must be sumthing rite about how we maik leeders in China. But cumming back to the point (I cannot spend so much time in that toilet which you call democracy which produces shits lyke you), the thurd reason why I was unabel to rite this open latter was becaus I was bizee in a program called AFTEP. It is the “App For Territory Exchange Program” that Modi and I hav verballee signed. So I taik some Indian territory and in exchange he bans a few Chinees apps to pleez his stupid voaters. That is what I like about Modi – how he looses and looses and still pretends to be hard. He is like loose motion sold as constipation to his stupid voaters. Anywhey. Let mee cum to the point. I have been thretning to cum for two long, I confess. Butt anywhey. Cee this open letter is about clarifying the Chinees point of view to all you suckers and yor misinformed peepals. I have been tolerating yor stupid taik on China after this Covid 19 pandemic for two long and there is an English provurb that has inspired mee to rite this letter. It says: The penis mighteer than the sword. So faar you all hav been ceeing the sword and mite of China. Now cee my penis. Here I cum. I will cum into each of you suckers won by won.

Now lissin you, Trump. I have studied you after checking on you on Baidu. You are ignorant about Baidu also you typical right winger? So, lyke you has Google in Amerika, same way we has Baidu in China. It is like Google onlee except that it is bigger. To maik it biggest however, I have a simpill plan. Chinees investors will bye out Google. Butt that is not the point here. The point iss that on Baidu, I found this stuff on you. And it maiks me wonder what rite at all you hav to talk about me and China you joaker. Let me putt this comparisun for the wurld to know. Furst, I will compair you and mee – t.i. (not e.i. because e.i. cannot bee short form of “that is”. Short form of “that is” has to bee “t.i.”) you, Trump and me Xi Jinping. Aftur I has compaired yoo and mee I will compair yor cuntree and my nashun, t.i. Amerika and China. Lett peepal then diside for themselves. Aftur I finish with you, I will compair myself with that fello who cannot evin stand strait. Boris Johnsun and his Britain. Actually he iss the reeson why I am riting this open letter in such a hurree. Becaus by the time I finish he may no longer be PM. Yoo cee in Britain the PM changes the day he has a whorse voice and cannot shout back in parliament. So funnee! This joak is called Democracy I am toald. And in India, PM changes for similar reesun with miner variashun. There the man who lies loudly becums next PM. And the won who gets Chinees software expurts to manipulayt the Electronic Voating Macheens stays PM. Democracy! Ha! How funnee! Butt Amerika is funniest. The won who looses becums President! I no yoo Amerikans are week in Mathematics but this is craazee isn’t it? But the funniest thing is that all you three suckers hav the cheeks to criticize Chinees systum. Cee, Chinees systum is best. Here whoever is harder becums the ruler. We hav erections not elections. Let me explane moar befoar I cum inside Trump. Actually why waist time. I shud cum inside all three of yoo together onlee.

So let me introdeuce myself. I am General Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party of China and also the Chairman of Central Military Commission (both since 2012) and President of the People’s Republic of China (since 2013). I am what is called the “Paramount leader” to maik cleer that no nonsence will be tolerated. Chinees systum has simpill ways of communicating that no nonsence will be tolerated. We don’t misuse Courts to do this, or use street goons in underwhere to do this. Nor do we treet Parliament like Wuhan fish market to do this. Nor do we tweet stupid tweets in all caps and exclamation marks to do this by insisting so many times that “I have all the authority” that it becums cleer yoo have no authority in yor stupid systum which claims to be a democracy but is not and claims to give you authority but does not. Yor donkey systum onlee gives yoo instability and mentallee unstable leeders like yoo three chimpanzees. Be honest. I am faar better than yoo three. Don taik my word for it, just cee yor performance. Post Covid and pre Covid. By the way what is this nonsence about “testing per million”. In China we test evrybuddy! I was shokked that the peepals in yor stupid democracy aar tolerating testing per million. Testing shud be free. Evrybuddy shud be tested. In just fue days China put up a full hospital. You wer not evin abel to copy us! And when we locked down Wuhan, you learned the meaning of lockdown from us. But how stupidly yoo three suckers implemented it. Wurst was yoo, Modi. Yoo locked down lyke you were shutting yor toilet. If you were in China (impossible, we don have donkeys like yoo) yoo would hav been locked up for yor stupid lockdown. And you Trump, yoo were so funnee thruout! Haw Haw Haw!

Giv me a minitt, I has to laugh!

Ahhhhh!

And yoo Johnsun, the virus evin got into yor ass. You call it arse in UK rite? When yoo travil to Amerika, what do Amerikans understand with the announcement: That ass Johnsun has arrived. Which ass they see you as? The ass with ears or the ass with a hole? Anywhey, we will taik care of all this when Chinees investors bye out all English dictionaries. Lett me cum back to the point. So tell mee Johnsun, how a leeder who cannot saiv his oan ass can saiv his peepals. I swear by the dragon, in China we hav never ever had such clowns leeding the cuntree. And the best paart is that you are elected! Haw Haw Haw! But yoo three will go soon. And here in China, I am President without any term limits. So I am not insecure lyke yoo three. I don hav to bullshit my peepals to survive. I don hav to lie. But yoo three are liars fighting a survival battle daily. You Trump will be kicked out in November. Johnson, in yor case you can be kicked out the day you cannot outshout members of yor own party in parliament. Yoo don even need opposishun to dethrown yoo. Any of yor colleegs will do to yoo what yoo did to that emptee cupboard Theresa May. And yoo Modi, yoo hav feer of loosing power. The day yoo looses power yoo will be hanged. Yor crimes are more than any criminal I know. But there is won more way all three of yoo can loose power which yoo suckers forgets. If China taiks Ladakh Modi even yor twenty percent underwhere supporters will be forced to set yor pajama on fire even without election. And Trump, as regards yoo, the “Chinees virus” as yoo call Covid 19, has alreddy finished yoo. Same to yoo, Johnson. Onlee Modi needs PLA to screw him becaus in his cuntree 20% of his Hindu cuntreemen feel that Modi is a cow who must be protected even he just sits in the middle of a marketplace and farts all day. Such a stupid democracy where 20% peepals decide who PM will be. You cee the funnee part is that China is also a better deomocracy than this. Lissin you joakers. Democracy is not just election. It is representation. And yoo three do not represent yor peepal the way I represent my peepal.

Now let me tell you about myself so that yor peepal can really no the difference. I went thru hell in my life. My father was imprisoned and died. I was on my oan since age fifteen. So, I lived in a cave in Liangjiahe. Another matter that still I don’t wear my suit as clumsily as you too white men, Trump and Johnsun. And as regards you, you hairy hare, who uses mushroom whitener on yor face and dresses up like an Indian bride who is waiting for her bridegroom since 2013, I know if you wear a suit you will look like a fat cow in a sari. I don why yoo are so ashaimed of yor brown skin that you eat fungus to whiten it. And evin then yor beard looks like it belongs inside the fly of a 200 years old gorilla. And you Johnson I don’t know which university and school you went to (someone tolded me you went to Eton and Oxford) but they forgets to groom yoo and tell you simpill difference between how to keep the hair on top in better condition than hair inside yor underwhere. But I was a “worker-peasant-soldier” student of Chemical Engineering and unlike you Modi, I have certificates to show for it. And unlike you Trump, I passed without cheeting. And unlike you Johnson, when I studied I really studeed. I did not keep phucking and phucking and phucking and study only to take a brake. And I rose from the ranks. I did not jump from Trump tower to White House or put a drawing pin on Theresa May’s chair befoar she sat down or kill 2000 muslims and talk bullshit about vikas, development, on which my track record is smaller than the little peanut in my pajama. I worked my way up. I did not get into politics very eazy. I was rejected seven times before I was taikin into Communist Youth League of China. In China yoo rize on merit and not by doing one communal riot or licking one dozen backsides. I applied ten times to join Communist Party of China. Exactly ten! And then I joined in 1973, when yoo Trump were selling real estate on illegal land, yoo Johnson were still clearly studying some bullshit. How yoo turned out is evidence of what went into yoo. And yoo Modi were washing saffron underwhere at that time and doing shady things which yoo cover up by saying you sold tea. There also I doubt of yoo can give anyone a single a cup of tea without putting poison into it.

Now let me stop talking about myself so that I don start lukking like you three megalomaniacs. And let us talk about our cuntrees and our performance. I will start with simple facts before I cum into you. So China is the world’s fastest growing economy. What yor peepal don no is that China is also the absolute largest economy in the wurld by purchasing power parity. Amerika is not. At $25.4 trillion, China is $5 trillion bigger than Amerika, $15.5 trillion bigger than India, and $22 trillion bigger than UK. So stop just talking about China as the fastest growing. We are also the biggest. Stop fooling yor stupid peepals. And yoo Johsun should stop reeding this letter now onlee out of shame. And yoo Modi don need to do that becaus you don know how to reed onlee and so yoo must not be reeding it in any case . And Trump you can at least reed numbers so reed this and STPU (Shut The Phuck Up). And yoo ignorant capitalists may not no this but Chinees economy is both centrally planned and market oriented. Private sector is 80% of our GDP. We also have the second largest number of billionaires in the wurld t.i. three times that of India, and eight times that of UK and slightly lesser than Amerika. We are the world’s largest manufacturing economy. We are too times bigger than Amerika, ten times that of India and twenty times that of UK. I suspect our manufacturing waste must be more than the manufacturing of India and UK. We are also the wurld’s largest exporter of goods. And we are the largest traiding nashun in the wurld. We are ranked 31 on Ease of doing business index, India is at 63, Amerika is at 6 and UK at 8. The reesun is simpill. India is louzee so it is at 63. And Amerika and UK are high becaus they has maid it easier for China to do business as the wurld’s largest exporters! Haw! Haw! Now here is what China is very proud of. And I don say this, World Bank says it. That China povertee rate fell from 88% decades ago to 0.7% in 2015. Can yoo three capitalists explain to me why China not only has the wurld’s largest economy and the wurld’s second largest number of billionaires and also the lowest poverty numbers? India has 73 Mn peepal (5.5%) in extreme povertee. Half of the wurld’s poor live in just five cuntrees and the highest number aar in India. In Amerika, 11.8% peepals live in povertee. Tell me Trump, why yoo calls yorself a developed cuntree? And yoo, Johnsun, yor UK has 21% peepals in pvertee. I can onlee hoap that with thees facts yor pepaal throws yoo three suckers out and boo yoo when you criticize China. I hav much moar to say, but this is enuf for this Part 1 of my open letter. If yor peepals are still fooled by yor China bashing then I think they deserve yoo.

Butt still we Chinees aar kind peepal. And this messij of mine is to the peepal of these three sad cuntrees. So we Chinees will still send you masks, PPE and vaccine. And if yoo want we can alos maik hospital for yoo which yor three suckers cannot maik. And if yoo want we can also do testing for each one of you. Ask all yoo want and we Chinees aar there for yoo. But do voat out yor three joakers. Don let them divert attenshun to China. I sincerely meen it for yor gud onlee.

Moar in my next open letter. Part Too.

So, Chow.

About Ash Kaul

Ash Kaul is a published Kashmiri writer and poet. He enjoys writing political satire and his satire has also been published in The Satirist. He has won some accolades in international competitions of flash fiction, short story and nonfiction as well. Besides building this collection of political satire essays, he is putting finishing touches to a historical epic and also a literary historical suffused with tragedy and set in the conflict zone of Kashmir. He can be contacted at LaughingAshes@gmail.com

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